Leila Cunningham was just a normal 17-year-old enjoying a Spring Break vacation with her family. One second she was arguing about who was going to drive and the next they were skidding across the road after being hit on the side, Leila at the wheel. Read more about Leila, her parents and what she has learned about grief and love since losing them.
What is your career goal and why?
My career goal is to one day work for the University of Kentucky basketball program. Kentucky has always held a special place in my heart, and working for a team that my family has supported, worked for, and grown up with would complete every dream I've had as a kid. School and soccer brought me in a different direction than going to college at Kentucky, but I know that every step I take is preparing me for whatever God has planned.
Why did you choose UMHB?
I chose UMHB for how close it was to home and for the soccer program. There have been many ups and downs since I have been here, but looking back, I am nothing but grateful for the opportunities and blessings that this school has given me.
What was your relationship with your mom like?
When I was with my mom, I felt safe, comforted, and loved. Whenever I was by my mom's side, I felt indestructible; she made me feel like I could accomplish the impossible. My mom was my rock and shield and everything in between. She loved me no matter the circumstance or battle; she loved me unconditionally. My mom was one stubborn human, in the best way possible. She was the kind of person who never let anyone push her to the side, never backed down from what she believed in, and always stood up for the people she loved. If that isn't an incredible and loyal human, I don't know what is. My mom taught me how to live life to the fullest; she taught me how to be respectful, even in the hardest of moments; she taught me that I don't need much to be happy and full, and to be thankful for everything God has placed in my life. She taught me how to see the best in myself, even when all I saw was the worst. My mom was my world, my heart, my soul, and my life. A piece of me left the day she did, but I will always be grateful for the bond I shared with her because that bond is what keeps me going every day. She instilled a drive in me that I didn't even realize was there, one that continues to shape who I am today. I will forever be grateful for the seventeen years I got to love her, and I will carry that love with me no matter where this life takes me. Because grief never ends, but neither does love.
Tell us about your dad. What was your relationship with him like? Were there particular things y'all did together?
I learned pretty much every mannerism, quirk, habit, and little personality trait from my dad. I looked to him for everything. My relationship with him is something I think about often. When he died, I was missing the piece in me that had confidence, because he filled most of it. Every day he believed in me more than I believed in myself. My dad was the life of the party; he was the shortest one there, but always made the biggest impression. Wherever he went, he made people feel comfortable; nobody was a stranger to him, and as I get older, I always strive to make people feel as comfortable as possible too. My dad never let anyone get in the way of what he was striving for. He worked hard even when no one was watching, when there was nothing to gain, and when the world tried to hold him back. No matter the circumstances, he never stopped showing up and giving everything he had. I looked to him when I needed uplifting, because there was never a circumstance that my dad couldn't pull me out of. He was my biggest hype man, and he made me believe that I could accomplish anything this life might throw at me. My dad never stopped doing what he loved even when the world would tell him not to, and because of that, he made an impact on so many people's lives, including my own. Every single day I will carry his work ethic, tenacity, and grit with me because at the end of the day, that's all we can control. And he was the first person to show me that, and I will forever be grateful.
Tell us about the crash and what happened after.
What happened that day? It's odd, because I can give you every single detail, emotion, and regret that I experienced from March 18th, 2022, when at the time, life got blurry and felt surreal. I woke up excited and happy. I was with my family on vacation; it was spring break, we had a fun day planned. Most importantly, we were together. My family was active; we loved working out, going on walks/runs, practicing sports we were good at and having fun failing at the ones we were bad at. We didn't care what we were doing, just that we were doing it together as a family. My family and I took off on a hike in the morning, and my brother and I started to sprint up the hill because we were trying to race to the top. When the rest of my family caught up, we took some photos and then started chatting about whether we were going to keep going. We ultimately decided to turn back around, to call it a day and go back to the hotel.
One second. One more second it took us to decide our plan, one second longer it took us to get down the mountain, one second longer I argued about who was going to drive, maybe could have made a difference. Maybe not.
As my dad was trying to get me out of the front seat to drive, and my mom was telling me I had just gotten my license and was in a strange place so it probably wasn't the best idea, my brother already hopped in the front seat. So by the time my dad gave up arguing with me, the seats were already organized, and the only spot left was behind me in the backseat, so he jumped in. The drive couldn't have been more than 15 minutes; it was quick. Get on the highway, get off, and then it is only a couple of miles to the hotel. Approximately 52% of car accidents occur less than 5 miles from your "home". Mine was 2.2 miles from walking into the hotel, 2 miles from continuing our vacation. 2 miles from still being a family. I remember looking in my rearview mirror. I saw my mom, my dad, and my sister. I checked my mirrors, the cars in front and behind me; it was like my body knew, somehow, some way that something was going to happen. I remember coming up on a light, a four-way intersection next to an animal clinic. The light turned yellow, and I had a choice. Do I go, or do I start to slow down?
My dad saw it coming, as did I. Fear flooded my body. I tried to swerve the car, but it still hit us, and it hit us hard. The car hit the left-side passenger seat, which then led to our car skidding into a light pole that hit the right-side passenger seat. It missed my door and my brother's door completely. The second I woke up was the second that my life would never be the same. I saw the airbags go off but didn't remember them hitting me. I saw broken glass around me but didn't know where it came from. I looked at my hands, my arms, my legs. Not a scratch on my body. Then I heard screams. Screams so gut-wrenching they made my brain stop working. I knew that the moment I turned around, my life would never be the same. I knew that the moment I turned around would be the moment grief would fill my heart and never leave.
I saw cars stopped and people staring, so I cried for help, as if anybody could have done anything, or anybody could have heard the immense amount of pain behind my voice. So at 17, I helped my brother unbuckle my mom's body, carry her around the car, and set her down. Then I helped my brother unbuckle my dad's body and set him down. I knelt down and picked up my mom's head. I touched her face and said, "Mom, wake up, please wake up". No response, so I started to shake her shoulders and then again said, "Mom, just wake up; it's okay, please just wake up." No response.
The paramedics eventually came and ended up taking my sister away in an ambulance, which left my brother and me. The paramedics put him in a neck brace and laid him down. As we pulled into the hospital and they took Caden away, I asked where he was going; no answer. I asked where my sister was; no answer. Then I asked where my mom and dad were and what was happening; still no answer.
After a while, they brought us to say goodbye to my mom. I was hesitant because I knew the minute I walked out of that room was the last time I would ever see her beautiful face. The last time I would ever touch her hair or kiss her cheek. The moment I walked out of that room was the day she wouldn't follow me out of it. As I walked in and saw her body lying there, I couldn't help but think she was lying there because of me.
I said bye to my mom; my dad was in the ICU, and I was curled up in a strange place, not knowing what was going to happen. Seeing my dad in the ICU was no different than seeing my mom; the only difference was he was still breathing. I sat with him every single day till I left. Then 12 days later, my dad passed away. He was gone at the crash site, but I believe that he was waiting to know we were going to be okay, so he held on as long as he could. The last time I visited with him, I told him, "You can rest now; we will be okay". And I meant it. I didn't think that the situation we were in was okay, or that I didn't still need him here, because I did. I will always need him, but what I meant was that no matter what life throws at us next, it will be nothing compared to the 12 days of pain I had already been through. I hope he was able to hear me and my voice, and know that I will always want him by my side, but God was calling him to be next to His.
That day will live forever in my brain, and it gives little room for me to think about anything else. After that day, problems seem not to matter, life seems optional, accomplishments are dimmed, love never feels enough, and my heart stays shattered. But that is life; that is tragedy. We can't choose our life, we can't control time, and we don't know what the future holds. But we can control the love we give and where we give it. I am forever grateful for the time I got with my parents, and will forever mourn the time I was robbed.
What things have you learned about grief?
Grief will literally tear apart everything you've ever known or found comfort in and force you to sit with the reality that your life will never be the same. Five years ago, I didn't even think I would be able to make it through the week ahead of me. Grief shattered my heart; it took away the curiosity of life; it showed me that nothing is guaranteed. Grief is more than a feeling; it's a weight. It doesn't wait for you to come and find it; it finds you. It doesn't have a timeline and the more you resist it, the more it persists. Grief is sitting alone at night with your heart shattering in your chest, and there is not one single thing you can do about it. Grief has shown me the worst parts of myself, then left me to find a way back to loving myself. Grief will make you rethink every single detail about that day until your brain shuts down. Grief will make you itch for the love that person gave you, only to find that it's out of reach. Grief will leave you waiting for someone who is never coming back. Grief showed me that once the heart gets too heavy with pain, you don't cry; you just go silent. Grief showed me that I never truly understood the real value of someone, till that someone became a memory. It showed me that "home" was never a place, building, or destination, it was a person. Grief has left me on the floor in tears with no one to lift me back up other than myself. The irony of grief is that it shows us how short life can be, but it makes living without them feel like forever. Whenever they passed, I resented the world for continuing without them, and I resented the world for forcing ME to exist without them. But grief is all I have left of them, so yes, I do hold onto it. No matter how painful or heartbreaking it is, I carry them with me through grief, through love, and memories. Because with love comes loss; it's just part of the deal. And it hurts. But in the end, it's all worth it. Because there is no greater gift than love.
What things have you learned about yourself through grief?
What are things that grief has taught me? I can love a memory, but it can't love me back. That every beginning has an ending, and I never know when that time will be. That joy is not rooted in circumstance; it is rooted in Jesus. That a human heart can shatter over and over again and still live. That when you lose a parent, the world is off its axis, and it never rights itself. That behind every emotion, whether it's anger, sadness, jealousy, or confusion, the root of it stems from love. I have learned how to pick myself back up because I can't rely on anyone to come in and save me. I have learned that death is a very private thing, and no matter how many people are around me, it doesn't matter, because I still grieve alone. And I have learned that love can be my greatest strength, instead of my biggest weakness.
In a way, grief made me. It showed me parts of myself I never wanted to touch, but it also showed me a new side to who I can become. I never thought I could exist in a world without my parents. Especially at the age of 17, but here we are. The only way to communicate how death truly feels is through absence, because grief will leave your heart waiting and waiting till the world says you have to continue living. One of the biggest things grief has taught me is how to balance honoring their life and how to continue living mine. They instilled 17 years of commitment, patience, nurturing, and love into my siblings and me, everything I need to become my own person. Knowing who they were, and knowing who I am, is everything I need to go out into this world and give everything I have for them. Because I know if they were here, they would be right by my side through it all.
What would your message be for others experiencing something similar?
My message for people going through something similar is that you are allowed to miss them forever. You're allowed to love them forever and grieve them forever too. You're also allowed to find joy in the process, because grief is not for the weak of heart, but it also isn't something you overcome; you just learn how to carry it. Because truthfully, there is no secret trick to grief. You have to feel the pain and still choose to live. Don't stop living because you feel like you are leaving them behind, because you can miss them with your whole heart and still let yourself love the life that is unfolding right in front of you. There is always something to be grateful for, even on the days when hope feels less possible. Because hope is a good thing, maybe even the best of things, and it'll show you that you have everything within you right now to deal with whatever the world throws at you. If you are walking through something similar to me, don't waste time being miserable because you assume it is the only way to be; our tragedies are only a chapter in our story, not the full book. Give yourself grace for the hard days, and let yourself have joy on the good ones. Because God can do miraculous things through hardship, you just gotta look at the signs he gives us when we have the chance.
